“Work harder on yourself than you do on your job.”

— Jim Rohn

I’ve worked in human services for over 20 years now, and I can honestly say I’m a much better collaborator today than I was at the beginning of my career. Not because I’ve mastered team dynamics or figured out the perfect planning process. But because I’ve done — and continue to do — the personal work that collaboration requires.

I used to think good collaboration meant agreement. We all had to be on the same page, from start to finish. We’d brainstorm together, we’d problem-solve together, we’d execute together — and if we couldn’t do all those things in lockstep, then maybe we just weren’t a great team.

But over time — and especially through personal experiences like the one I’m about to share — I’ve learned that true collaboration is actually the opposite of agreement. It’s not about sameness — it’s about difference. It’s about bringing together a diversity of experiences, thought patterns, work styles, and lived truths — even when that difference causes friction. In fact, especially when it causes friction.

Because that’s when the real growth happens — in the individuals, in the team, and in the outcome.

“Works well with others” isn’t just a line on a performance review. It’s a mirror.

The inspiration for this post came from a conversation with my wife. We were talking about what it really means to be collaborative, and she said something I can’t stop thinking about:

“Working well with others takes real personal work.”

Whew. There it was. The truth behind every teamwork training, group project, and staff retreat. Collaboration isn’t just about organizing meetings and managing deadlines. It’s about managing yourself — your reactions, your judgments, your assumptions, your fears. It’s about listening more than you speak, asking for what you need without guilt, and showing up with the belief that what we create together will always be better than what I can build on my own.

That wasn’t always easy for me.

I used to believe that if I just took control of the project — made the decisions, moved the vision forward — I’d get a better result. And honestly, I’d get frustrated when others didn’t match my pace. I thought I was helping. But deep down, I wasn’t allowing people to contribute fully. I wasn’t valuing the beauty of collaboration — I was just trying to get things done with as little friction as possible.

The double-edged sword of “helping too much”

I had to unlearn a lot of behaviors to become a better collaborator:

• Letting go of the belief that my way was the only way.
• Learning to sit with tension instead of solving it too quickly.
• Recognizing that over-functioning is not the same as leadership.
• Asking for support before I’m burned out — not after.

I had to realize that sometimes, I was biting off more than I could chew because I didn’t want to burden others. But in doing so, I created a pattern where I took on too much, got quietly frustrated, and then judged others for not being more involved — even though I never gave them the chance.

That’s not collaboration. That’s martyrdom dressed up as team spirit.

Collaboration is a function. But relationship is the fuel.

The best collaborators I’ve worked with aren’t just great at project planning — they’re great at being in relationship. They’re clear communicators. They’re generous with feedback and willing to receive it, too. They stay curious. They don’t try to “win” the meeting. They try to make space.

And I’m learning to be more like that every day.

If you’ve ever struggled to collaborate — not because you didn’t care, but because it felt harder than it should — I want you to know you’re not alone. Collaboration takes real inner work.

It takes the willingness to ask:

• Where am I reacting from ego instead of curiosity?
• What do I need to feel supported and engaged in this process?
• What might someone else need that I haven’t considered?

And most importantly:

How can I grow into the kind of teammate I’d want to have?

Because at the end of the day, the most powerful collaboration isn’t built on matching skill sets — it’s built on mutual respect, shared humanity, and a commitment to doing the personal work it takes to show up for each other.

And that work? It never ends — but it’s always worth it.

🛠 Want to take your collaboration to the next level?

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